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What if? - It's my life and anything else in between.
Soo Jin

Date: 2008-06-10 02:22
Subject: What if?
Security: Public
I am feelingrestlessrestless
That thought dominates whenever we consider the actions that we took and the ripples of consequence that resulted from it.
Who we are today is in fact a direct result of the actions and paths that we took. Rightly or wrongly, for better or worse, it is what defines us.

For me, key moments in my life would be when I stopped A-levels halfway through while at Sunway College and the subsequent enrolment in Trinity College Foundation Year in Melbourne.
Before that, life just plodded along as thoroughly expected. Primary school, Middle and High School then College.
Didn't help that I had stayed in the same house or stayed in the same schools. There were no abrupt disruptions to my life up until that point.

Since then, I believe I have changed by leaps and bounds.
Part of it is evidenced by my earlier writings and you can actually trace my development if you will, in the words that fill this journal.
Granted there are moments of drama but then what's life without drama.. A little like food without smell.. It looks nice but it doesn't quite hit the spot.

What if I never went to Trinity? I'd never have met you, Vincent, Sharon, Shan, etc..

What if I actually graduated from Melbourne University? I'd never gone to Monash and not have met you nor had the friends that I have today.

What if I didn't complete Monash University? I may not have met some of the people that have touched my life in their little way. People who were only there at the end of my journey in Monash. I'd never have met Jacky nor met you..

Maybe we'd still have met but then the context of the meeting would have been different and subsequently the bond that we now share may have different qualities.

All these 'what if's' would be enough to drive a curious person mad. The branches of possibilities are infinite.

What if I chose my friend better?
Would I be where I am today?
Would I be less wary, a little less careworn?

But the burning question should be..

What if I never met you?
Would my life be less than what it is now or better ? We'd never know... unless we get to glance at every possibility that could ever possibly be? Indecisions are caused by thoughts like these.
I've learnt the lesson of taking the plunge early in April of 1999. And I continue to take that lesson with me.

Sometimes I wonder if the people that I met, know a little more than as a passing acquaintance, ever think of me. Or of the flavour that I injected in their lives.
More pertinently would be.. Would I be remembered? In some ways, I guess that's a fear? of certain people.
The fear that we'd be little more than a footnote or a statistic in the annals of history. It inspires people to greatness or notoriety.

There's a movie that Gwyneth Palthrow made that showed 2 sides of what might have been. In one, she managed to catch the train and reach home to catch her husband/partner cheating on her.
In the other, she remained blissfully unaware of the infidelity..
We'd never have the benefit of this 'other sight'
and maybe it's for the better.
Otherwise, how would we continue to live our life and take the plunge? Taking that new job offer. Get married. etc..

There's a saying which was repeated by a friend
"If only" are the 2 saddest words in the English language
but I think the Chinese phrases it better,
"If there was foreknowledge, there'd be no beggars" (my apologies as some of the humour is lost in translation)
Essentially.. it's a waste of time.. something to be speculated when idle.

Hope I didn't waste too much of your time.. =)
Have a nice day.
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May 2017