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long ass stupid introspective post - It's my life and anything else in between.
Soo Jin

Date: 2002-04-20 02:00
Subject: long ass stupid introspective post
Security: Public
I am feelingpensivepensive
Listening tosome F4 song ( chinese boyband )
Do I have heart? Do I have soul? Does not believing in a higher power actually make me less a person? I've never in my life been absolutely passionate about anything as in I can live, eat, breathe that thing whatever it is forever.. or the equivalent in our mortal life. never once... =) when we talk, ( we being me and my friends ) about things.. you can just see their eyes light up when they talk about the things that they're absolutely passionate about.. I want to have that kind of feeling.. The one where I can argue for the 'for' side about that particular thing.. expousing over and over the innumerous good points of that particular thing.. yet i've never done that..
could it be because I keep myself so detached from everything? I saw K Jin give his mother a peck just because he felt like it.. I can't remember the last time I did that or even gave my mom a hug.. it's almost like there's a barrier.. but then my parents were never showy about anything at all.. =) my home is almost spartan.. it's functional and that's it.. there's nothing really decorating it. Nothing really making a point that hey this is MY home. but maybe the whole spartan look is their way of saying.. this IS my home.. I am comfortable here.. It's just a house nothing more. Take my room.. it could be a guest room for all you know.. there's nothing in there which says me other than the clothes in the cupboard. I even have a sewing machine and ladders in my room.. =) Could my upbringing have hewn this particular quality into me? this detachedness that I feel from everything. I always feel like I'm standing apart from everyone else.. observing from my quiet little corner like I've always done. it's sometimes ridiculous how anyone can walk right past me and not notice me.. =) I understand if it happens once in a while you know deep in thought that kind of thing but everytime.. people just breeze past me like I'm invisible or something.. I mean how do you miss a 90+ kg 6'2" guy? BLEH..
I'm feeling rather complainy now.. wonder why.. *grin*
At work I stand apart cos I'm technically a bosses's son.. =) there's a certani amount of deferrence afforded to me.. ARGHH must stop complaining
still haven't gotten around to replying tricia's mail nor sending joo bee one.. =) procrastinate procrastinate.. Also gotta look at colleges ASAP and offer a plan of my future.. =)
Do anyone reading my journal have an idea of where they'll be in say 5 years? a plan for their life? I see only a blank when asked to imagine.. It frightens me a little to be aimless and directionless.. Where do I go to find my compass for my life's journey? within or without? I wish that life comes with a manual for living it.. =) instead of fumbling my way through it like I am. So many friends of mine are working already.. They've got their plan their goals.. what's mine?
a lot of introspection going on.. must be the late hour.. =) On another note.. not that I expect anyone to reply this.. =) but let's talk about first love.. do you place any importance on it? do you miss them? or is it just another relationship to you? I can say that I'm a soppy fool.. I went and read one of Su Yin's mail again.. haha.. this was at the start of our relationship when we were still.. "unofficial" her parents didn't approve of me.. in nearly every aspect.. guess they didn't think I was good enough for her.. =) it's been 2 years since we broke up.. I know she couldn't care less what happens to me.. she made it very clear the last time I saw her.. but I can't get rid of this little chink in me.. I have always wondered if I did the right thing or not.. the past is the past but as we always have the benefit of hindsight.. we wonder.. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night about this.. doesn't make much sense cos it WAS me who asked for it.. But I still miss her.. maybe I had a hidden agenda when I was trying to establish the lines of communication with her.. =) no disrespect to Joo Bee but for me the first one will always be different.. extra special.. not to say that I don't cherish the time I had with Joo Bee.. it's just that it was different.
The smiling fool.. that's how I like to think of myself.. =)
This is just some sentimental whimsy.. =) something that I can in the future read about and laugh at my silliness..
Now there are 2 girls occupying my thoughts.. not quite occupying.. they're just there and I wonder about what they're doing.. =) Does this mean I like them? Jing Jing and Wai Ying.. 2 very different personalities.. why am I attracted to them? Has anyone wondered about what my nick means? =) I'll give u a clue.. it has something to do with one of them.. Icq can't accommodate any longer nicks.. =)
I miss my cat =(
my cute little cat.. the cutest cat ever.. =( what would she be doing now.. running around!! that's what she usually does at this time of the night... if you wanna see how she looks like you can visit my homepage at http://soojc.cjb.net , go to pictures and then click on the Serendipity link.. that's the name of my cat at least what I wanted to call her. though it is kinda unwieldy so I shortened it to Ser.. sigh..
I played badminton with Kelvin and his friends. They've been friends for more than 10 years.. Where are my good friends of 10 years? Did I ever have them? =( I think my badminton is improving though.. yay but I'm still sweating too darn much.. I look like I just got out of the shower everytime I play .. I think I lose like 2 litres plus of fluids everytime just playing..
Joo Bee reminded me about her card to Jo Ann.. silly me to forget about it.. took it out already.. should remember it now
I want to feel ALIVE!! Someone show me how or point me in the general direction... please?

p.s. New photos are already up. Notice to Joo Bee, Sharon, Michele, and whoever else who reads this who showed up for my dinner.. =) it's up on my homepage.. if you want a hardcopy .. let me know.. and i'll see what i can do..
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my journal
May 2017