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what was, isn't necessarily what is nor what will be.. - It's my life and anything else in between.
Soo Jin

SooJin
Date: 2005-04-12 16:08
Subject: what was, isn't necessarily what is nor what will be..
Security: Public
I am feelingresolute
"I'm in a toilet and i'm hoping to find gold"
that's the analogy ben used on me

but before that..

I called her..
I poured my heart out..
I told her.. how I love her.. the little things.. simple things..
why I was so.. desperate almost to go for the camerons trip.. and..
yeah...
she was.. a little detached.. I guess that's cos she was out with a friend.. again.. =)
then I became calm... I felt a little detached..
I don't remember the exact words but.. she got a little defensive.. when I asked about why didn't try harder and etc..

She basically doesn't see a life for us.. we're too different and I don't have a plan for myself..
I do have a plan for myself.. just not the same plan as hers.. anyway.. then she said she felt pressured cos I'm like this..
and she don't think we can still be friends cos she'll bear the heart of a friend and I'll be still in love with her..
at some point, she blurted out that She doesn't love me anymore..
that shook me..
I asked her to repeat it and.. she did it ever so.. willingly..
=)
And ermm.. then she said I think we can be more professional to do our assignment..
I exploded here.. I hate it when she says that.. when is matters of the heart professional?
she's had months to prepare for this.. I didn't
I've had 5 days to deal with it..
she faltered then, she said maybe she used the wrong word.. and I said firmly that..

no, you used exactly the right word.
I said thank you.. and hung up..
then I was calm for a while cos of the rage.. then i became a blubbering mess.. when ben called
but.. yeah.. he uses a lot of analogy which helps visualise a problem.
I chose the path of wanting her back.. which has been firmly and very resoundingly rejected... there's no way back now.. so.. I just need to get over the wall of indecision and go to the path where I don't want her back.. =) and.. move forward on my merry way..

don't you just love ben? =D
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